My Story

My husband and I come from very different backgrounds. I grew up with both my parents and had a stable and healthy home. My husband, on the other hand, grew up with an alcoholic father and a drug addict mother. The mother abandoned my husband when he was seven-years-old. My husband had many issues related to the abandonment.
When we married in 2000, I moved away from my parents, to be exact 3,000 miles away from them. My husband’s parents were not involved in our relationship. I never had to deal with my mother in law.
In 2018 my husband’s mother called him to let him know that she wanted to reconnect with him and meet my children. I am not going to lie, and I was nervous.
We met at my house, at the beginning my mother in law was very nice, my husband was happy to see her but when she began bossing my children around things changed.
I had a hard time letting my mother in law into our lives, and I think it was more difficult for my husband.
Our marriage suffered a setback because we did not know how to handle the situation, my husband began financially supporting his mother, me, on the other hand, could not understand how she acted like if nothing happened.
I noticed that my husband would hide things from me; he would secretly send her money. I was furious when I found out that my husband lied to me.
After praying and asking God to help me understand, I was able to see that I was being selfish.I talked to my husband and told him that I would support him and ask him not to lie to me. It was clear that my husband did not want to have problems with my mother in law and me.
One thing that I learned from this experience; is that I have to accept my husband’s family. I learned that my children have the right to have a grandmother.
I had to be humble and accept my mother in law. I thought that I can’t criticize her for what she did. I can only be compassionate and tolerant.
My mother in law disappeared after a few months, and only calls my husband when she needs money. I know that things between my husband and I will not change but I wish I handle things differently.

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Growing up, I heard many times the exclamation “I am the boss” coming from my mother. She was very strict and expected respect and humility. I vividly remember the fear I felt. I obeyed because I was afraid not because I respected her. My opinion was never valid. Fear only worked until I became a teenager. I was not longer scared, and I did many things to make my mother upset. I felt resentment towards my mother.
When I became a mother, I unconsciously began applying my mother’s tactics. I was not sure how to be a different mother, but what I knew is that I wanted my children to respect me out of love, not fear.
I have three children and a wonderful husband. My children are well behaved, smart, and kind. (I’m the mother) raising my children has taught me that children deserve a home where they are valued for who they are.
I wish that I realized sooner that being a mother is the most critical job in the world. There are three things that I think are essential to the success of raising healthy children.

1. love and respect them
   Children need to know that even though they are young, they deserve love. One way to show our appreciation for them is to listen to their ideas. When children are respected and valued, they have better self-esteem.
   I show my love for my children when I cook healthy meals, keep a clean house, help them with their education, play with them, read with them, talk to them.
2. Parents should be united
   Parents must talk about everything regarding raising children. Both parents should set rules and boundaries.
   Parents should not be in a power competition. Parents should have weekly council meetings to discuss any rules and children’s concerns.
3. Take time to be with your husband or wife
   I love my children, but I also love my husband. I work diligently in my marriage by taking time away from my children to be with him. Every week we go on a date, its nothing fancy, sometimes we go to a museum, eat ice cream, visit a bookstore or take a walk.
   I know my children will grow and make their own life. I know parents that invest so much in their children that when the children grow and move away, the parents experience a strange transition and many divorces.
   I am in no way a perfect mother, I don’t like cooking, but I know that I am doing things differently than my mother because I don’t want my children to feel the same way I did.

When I was 22 years old, I met a coworker that slowly became my friend. His affinity for books and arts made me like him even more. Our friendship began to evolve slowly, and he would call me and text at various times, he would invite me to the movies, go to the library. I liked him. One day he asked me to go to the movie theater. We were laughing and having a good time when I found a good friend. She came over, and I introduce them. I will never forget her face, she did not say anything, but I could see the words “What are you doing ? you are married!”. After the movies, I went home and began to think about my relationship with my coworker. I kept thinking, why do I feel guilty? He is just my friend. That night I talked to my husband, and I asked him if he was bothered by my relationship with my coworker, and he responded that he thought I was cheating with him. I was mad. How could he think that about me? I stormed out of the room.
I began to think all the times that I hide my phone because I did not want my husband to see the number of messages my coworker send me. I began crying because I felt something for that coworker. After that night, I decided to talk to my husband and end my relationship with my coworker.
I never allowed myself to be in that position again. I love my husband, and I don’t want to hurt him ever again.
Kenneth Matheson explains: “Emotional infidelity doesn’t usually happen suddenly; rather, it occurs gradually—often imperceptibly at first. This is one reason why those involved often feel innocent of any wrongdoing”.
I always thought that my relationship with my coworker was innocent because I never kissed him or have sexual relations, but I was emotionally attached.
There are many ways you can find if you are emotionally attached:
• You are often thinking about them
• You secretly believe that they are your soul mate
• Mentally compare with a spouse

To avoid emotional attachment :
• Save emotional conversations with your partner
• Set rules and expectations for friends
• Don’t discuss intimate details about marriage
• Don’t complain to your friends about your spouse
• Talk openly to your spouse
• Create space for your spouse
Healthy marriages depend on the compromise on each partner; emotional attachment is emotional cheating because even though it is not physical, your heart and your mind will change and eventually lead to divorce don’t let happen to you.

Last week My husband and I celebrated 20 years of marriage; I began to think about all the amazing moments we have experienced. Even after so many years, we keep building on a strong foundation. People should look for resources that can help them to stay together and happy. The seven principles of Marriage Work from Dr. Gottman, it’s a great book that educated and promoted healthy relationships. I learned a few things:

Know your Husband/ love maps

A healthy relationship is essential to know and your partner. Knowing the desires and goals of each other can help you create a life together.

Fondness and Admiration 

Find positive Characteristics of your husband. I used to criticize my husband everything he did. My relationship was toxic and almost unbearable. When I decide to forgive my husband and start a new life, I began to find the positive things about my husband.

Turn toward each other

It’s the little things that create a long-lasting relationship. My husband calls me every day to say good morning when he comes back home, and he kisses me. He gives me flowers now and then. I give him massages.

Compromise

Marriage is about charity and love. Partners should treat each other with respect.

Share meaning

Find a common goal. Dr. Gottman explains, “Marriage is not about raising kids, splitting chore or making love. It can also have a spiritual dimension”.My husband and I learned this recently. We have learned that having faith in something gives us an eternal perspective.

Marriage is a constant opportunity for growth and change. I think that the most important thing I learned for the book was that respect is one of the essential skills for a marriage to thrive.

I have been married 20 years, and there was a time when I thought divorce was the only answer. I am glad I persevered to the end.

I grew up listening to bands like the Beatles and the Rolling Stones, I like all type of music, but when my husband begins playing his horrible music I change my mind, and I turn into this intolerable lady.
We don’t drive together, I have my car, but when we go on a family trip, we take his car, and yep you guess it, I have to listen to 4 to 5 hours of just his music. In the beginning, I used to argue with him and tell him that it was not fair to listen to his music. We used to enter in a never-ending argument about fairness and equality.
Over the years, I have learned to fight my battles, and on the road trips, I figure that our arguments will never be satisfied because we have different personalities. Airpods were such a good investment. Our problem only took some humility and acceptance from my part.
Dr. Gottmand explains that “All marital conflicts, ranging from mundane annoyances to all-out wars, really fall into two categories: Either they can be resolved, or they are perpetual, which means that they will be a part of our lives forever.”
In my case, our problem was perpetual because neither my husband nor I were to change our music taste, we have an embedded music taste that will not change.
I can continue with the battle for the rest of our lives. But I chose to be humble and to remember that my husband has the same right as me.
We tend to be eager to judge the other, and we take drastic measures to prove that we are right.
In a Marriage, there has to be compromise and willingness to accept our partners for who they are, when there is pride in our hearts, its challenging to see our problems solved.
The best way to fix an issue is to openly talk about it and have humility and compassion for each other.
We can prove that we are right, but that will bring us a sense of righteousness, and our partners will suffer.
It’s impressive to see that a small change in my attitude could bring me so much peace and enjoy our family trips.

There is a movie that is called “10 things I hate about you”, it a cheesy old movie. I often think about the title when my husband does not pick up his plate or when he leaves his clothes everywhere. I can keep on and on the little things my husband does that I don’t like.
Sure, I can do that. But I won’t do it.
My husband might not be perfect, but when my depression kicks in, and I am unable to function, he is there for me, holding my hand and telling me that everything is going to be okay. His arms around me fill me with love and warmness.
A relationship needs a bond that connects them emotionally. But how exactly?
Talk everyday
Talking every day can help the relationship to grow. It seems like a simple thing, but talking every day can help.
Trust
Trust is something necessary to create a healthy relationship. Hiding things from your partner will only create distance.

Share your Dreams and Goals
I love running, and my husband does not, but in every race, he is cheering for me, waiting for me at the finish line. When my husband wanted to attend a hip-hop concert, I was the very first one in front supporting him and dancing.
Sex
Sex is an essential element for a marriage. Tender lovemaking is beneficial for the soul and the heart.

Engaging in a healthy relationship means to value and appreciate your partner. I choose to focus on my husband’s attributes instead of his imperfections. I take responsibility for my happiness, but I also rely on my husband when I need help—keeping a stable connection between you and your partner will teach you how to have healthy relationships with everyone, even with yourself.

You don’t have to be perfect to have an ideal relationship, well almost perfect. I remember the days when my husband visited me at my home, he would take roses or chocolates, and we would talk for hours. Oh, such good times.
Twenty years later, my husband keeps bringing me roses, but I have three small children, one dog, one fish, and a turtle. It is hard to be romantic when I have tons of laundry waiting for me. But one thing that has helped me in my marriage is the love and admiration I feel for my husband.
I began reading Dr. John Gottman’s New York Times bestseller, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” a few years ago. In the book, there is so much information about how to strengthen relationships. Dr, Gottman suggests that couples remember their beginnings. How did you feel when you first met?
My marriage history seems so far away now, but it helps me each day to remember all the good times we had and continue looking to the future.
One thing that I remember was my husband was always kind and still is. It’s important to remember the good qualities and focus on that. That will help relationships grow stronger.
When one has children, it’s easy to forget about your partner, and this has happened to me. In the mists of all my activities, I lose track of my husband’s needs. Last week we took the time to go on a date. We arranged to have a babysitter, and we went to the art museum. It was such a beautiful night. My husband doesn’t enjoy art as I do, but after the museum, we took a walk.
The serene and quiet night reminded us of that love when we were teenagers; we laughed and ate ice cream.
Twenty years seem like a long time; we have had ups and downs, but our friendship and commitment to each other have nurtured our dedication and love for each other. So if you are here reading, I hope that you take the time to go on a date and remember that young and crazy love.
You don’t have to be perfect; you have to be willing.